“Let us dance in the sun, wearing wild flowers in our hair...”

rude awakening

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

skirt + sandy feet

Lately I've been thinking a lot about change. It seems to have come as a rude awakening this twenty-fourth year of my life. Though I'm sure it has been creeping up on me and I just haven't noticed. You remember me posting several months ago about change? I posted a picture of the word "change" for "this is... what scares me." And it really does scare me. I tend to forget about it when things seem to be going well and I'm content, but just as I am starting to feel the pangs of change, I kinda freak out. But then it's not as if I really hate change. All along what I really want is a big change to happen, I just don't want to experience it. I want to keep going my merry way and all of a sudden find myself in a comfortable spot; a different spot than where I'm at now. If that makes any sense whatsoever!

Here I am at a point in my life once again where I think... "what do I want? what I really really want?" (No, please don't sing that song...) So many options before me, but it takes ME to do anything about it. I'm the one who ultimately has to live with my decisions. Whether or not someone else tells me what to do. I live in a world where a lot of people like to give their advice. Not that it's always a bad thing, just that I think it makes it more difficult for a person to make any sort of decision and feel good about it, because they will always worry it isn't right. I think that is where I'm at right now.

So we are back to change. I have this weird feeling that more change is about to come, but it's up to me to make that happen. I can't just sit around all the time, waiting for it to come to me. As much as I hate to take that step, I think it is about time. I see people around me taking those steps all the time, but I've always been that timid little girl who is so afraid she will fall and scrape her knee, that she stays in the safe-zone because of fear. As far as I see it, fear is what keeps change and growth from happening. I think there is a point in your life where you find it's time to trust that maybe you can go out and ride that bike without scraping your knee. And if you do get scraped up, trusting that you can get back up again and keep going. Because isn't that what life is? Going out there, making mistakes, picking yourself back up again, learning, growing, understanding? The list goes on. I know it's terribly cliché, but there is a point to "trusting yourself." Confidence can be hard to find, though very easy to talk about. I can tell my friends over and over again to go out there and be confident in themselves, all the while I myself am shrinking in some corner. It's so easy to sit on your buns and think everything will come to you and fall perfectly in place; but it doesn't always work like that. If you ever want anything to happen, I think it's up to you. And sometimes it's better to fall flat on your face than not to have experienced it at all. So when you pick yourself up again, you can see that hey, it isn't so bad. Or maybe it is so bad! But how can you know unless you take that chance?

I thought this quote by Andy Warhol was fitting. :)

"They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."

5 comments :

  1. I know that feeling of being scared at impending change. I'm very similar to you in that I just want to wake up on morning and find myself in another comfortable spot--but different than the one I'm in now. I hate having to go through the "heavy lifting" of experiencing change. I've lately been really having to come to terms with this, and your thoughts here really brought home some stuff that has been rolling around in my head.

    You're totally right though that it's up to oneself to make a change happen. Although I do believe there is Someone bigger controlling everything, I can't just sit around, waiting for something to happen. I have to actively participate in the change. Otherwise, things don't happen. People fall through the cracks. Messes get bigger. I don't force myself to be stretched, broken, reshaped. And all those things are so crucial and beneficial to becoming a productive and successful adult. Not to mention someone who has wisdom and experience under their belt. :)

    Wishing you the best, Anna! I know you'll persevere and make it through, as frightening and as much the change is dreaded. :) You're a really strong girl, even though you may not see it. So I know you'll face it head on, and come out the other side victorious! :)

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  2. Summer = bare feet. Yup. That is what life is about ;-)

    Many people, mostly my parents, get annoying at the fact that I make quick and sometimes huge decisions within a short space of time. Truth is, I see change as you do: a choice that only I can make. So if it seems reasonable to me, I do it.
    Hah. Like graduating one week and then going to OCS the next. That was a change. But change is good, and so is challenge!

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  3. Oh my goodness. This post really hit me in the face, 'cause it's where I am right now, and how I've been feeling. I don't know if you know this...but if all goes well, I'll be moving out to CO early next year. And that is a huge, immense change for this little CT girl! I want to do it so bad - but I'm afraid of all I'll be leaving behind - in short, of all the change. Part of me wants to just go hide in that corner and say, "no, go on, do this without me."

    And yet. I've been angsting about it in my journal (paper) for the past week or so. I'm like you - I don't like big changes. Or at least I like them to come along so gradually that only when I look back can I see how far I've come. Something like that. :)

    But hey! The road-trip would take me right through Iowa, and a half-hour's detour would bring me to your door. I might have to stop and say hello. ;)

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  4. I so know how you feel... You have put it so eloquently!

    And that Andy Warhol quotation is wonderful! I love it!

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